Where Is Love To Be Found?
by Kelly Tobey

There are many ways for us to remember the most important connection in our journey through life, our connection to love. These are five major ones:
Life sends us people to remind us of our connection with love.
Life gives us nature to remind us of our connection with love.
Life gives us ourselves to remind us of our connection with love.
Life gives us direct interplay with pure spirit to remind us of our connection with love.
Life gives us the giving or receiving of creative expression to remind us of our connection to love.

There's just one problem. If we've found lots of love through one of these five "lovestyles", we may start to create attachments or addictions to that particular style and neglect the other styles of connecting with love. We can get lost in thinking that the form we received love through is actually the source of the love. This is unfortunate, for life wants to teach us freedom and wholeness. We cant find freedom if we attach ourselves to form because form comes and goes.

Whenever we get attached to thinking that just one lovestyle can provide the love we seek, we lose some of the freedom that comes from experiencing the wholeness of the others. If, for example, I'm attached to connecting to love through my relationships, I may be tempted to sell out on my love of self in an attempt to win approval from others. If a friend asks me to go to a function, instead of checking in with myself to see if this is appropriate for me, I might betray my own needs and do whatever my friend wants, hoping to win his or her love.

Conflicts can occur between any of the five lovestyles. I may think that the non-material connection to spirit is my only way to remember my connection with love. But if I get addicted to this lovestyle, I may turn my back on friendships, on giving and receiving creative expression, and/or on connecting to myself or to nature. Instead I might sit and meditate excessively, desperately trying to find my connection to love there.

Or perhaps I think creative expression is my only way to love. If I get addicted, I could spend unreasonable amounts of time participating in the creative arts or working (if that's my way of giving creatively), or listening to music, attending art exhibits, watching movies, and so on, (if that is how I receive creative expression).

If I get addicted to the idea that connection to myself is the only way to love, I might spend inappropriate amounts of time trying to understand myself, meet my needs, and nurture myself, by myself.

I might think connection to nature is my only way to love. If I get attached I might spend excessive time outdoors, turning away from the other lovestyles.

Of course, any of these lovestyles really can remind us of our connection to love. It's not they that create the problem. It's our attachments and addictions to the idea of  them being the only source of love that gets in the way of our truly connecting to love in all its fullness.

If we find ourselves hooked on a lovestyle, but still not experiencing love, we might begin to feel desperate, even if only below the surface of our awareness. Ironically, if we give in to this desperation, it will often tell us to try even harder with the same lovestyle - to try, perhaps, to "perfect it" in some way. For instance, the more our relationships don't work, the more desperately we might strive to make ourselves or our partners "perfect." This leaves no room to relax into love because we think we have to fix something first before we can feel love.

At such times, life could be trying to send us a sign that we need to let go of our attachment to this particular lovestyle and give ourselves the chance to experience the wholeness of life through the others. One way to facilitate this transition is to be still and wait for inspiration in answer to the following question: "Is it appropriate for me to be with myself? with nature? with non-material spirit? with creativity? with people? or with some other style that hasn't been mentioned here?"

Unfortunately, we may not always be up to relaxing this way and receiving guidance. Instead, desperation may drive us to try different lovestyles - not from inspiration, but just to get out of our uncomfortable emotional place. If this is what's driving us, it's probably because we're trying to avoid experiencing a deeper feeling that needs our attention. You see, connecting with love requires that we accept all of who we are, including all of our feelings. We can't push away part of who we are (such as our feelings) and still make that "love connection." Self-rejection prohibits us from recognizing the availability of love.

If we're attached to the relationship lovestyle, it could be a feeling of loneliness we're trying to avoid. Feelings of failure may hide under an attachment to creativity, unworthiness under self-connection, not belonging under attachment to nature, or abandonment and separation under direct interplay with spirit.

If this is our situation, there is an alternative to following our desperation (which will never lead us to recognizing love). We can decide to face those feelings that want to be felt and invite Life to send in the power of love to support us as we do. If we stay present with the feelings long enough, they will naturally resolve, opening the door for us to finally experience that same power of love that just helped us to face them.

Alas, if wish to stay in resistance there are many ways for us to hone our ability to temporarily avoid those feelings. We may, for example, try to transcend them or to think positive and smother them with affirmations. But so-called "problem" feelings are not an enemy to escape. They are keys to be treasured, for they can open the door to our deepest gifts.

Unfortunately, many people in the helping professions make a living teaching people ways to avoid those "problem" feelings, even though this may not be their conscious intention. "Demand" is high, because so many of us are desperately afraid of our feelings, in particular the ones judged volatile or negative. Ironically, we may not even recognize we are afraid, because fear and desperation are feelings we are trained to suppress beyond recognition.

Of course, avoidance and suppression don't make feelings go away; they just push them further underground. And to keep them there, we must consciously or unconsciously find ways to distract ourselves with compulsive or addictive behaviors. But make no mistake: if we don't join with love and make peace with our feelings, our attempts to dance around them will continually wreck havoc in our lives. The toll may be in lost jobs, broken relationships, a flat, unrewarding life, physical illness, or a myriad of other consequences of our diversionary tactics. 

If we have a problem that won't resolve through thinking it out, taking action, or applying spiritual help, then it's time to do some feeling work, either on our own (if we know how, without getting lost) or by seeking out a guide to support us in our journey.

Regrettably, such guides are not plentiful in our feeling-phobic society, so you may have to look hard to find one. Look for a therapist or facilitator who respects his or her own spectrum of feelings, from deep despair or emptiness through to unmitigated joy. S/he should have the skill to guide you, not only into your feelings, but through them, uncovering your unrecognized gifts and the depths of awareness that lay hidden beyond.

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