Treat Yourself
Otto
Haller, Ph. D
I have been at two
of Kelly Tobey's 10-day Retreats. The first one was in 1997.
When I first found out that it would be possible for me to attend, I was
delighted and very much looked forward to sharing 10 days with Kelly and
the people he attracts.
At the time, I had
already been to a couple of Kelly's weekend workshops. There I
found that I resonated with Kelly's energy, his natural way of being
with people, the ease, gentleness, and loving manner with which he
facilitated participants' processes. There was a wonderful safety and
trust present among all the participants. I was well looked after upon
my arrival and for the duration of the workshop, the care with
which the session room was set up and maintained throughout the
workshop, and the great quality and amount of support I had received
from Kelly's team, truly amazed me. All this was taking place
without any pressure on me to change, to heal, to open, to come out, or
to disclose. It was within the context of a smoothly unfolding plan
without flaw, or rough edges. During and after the workshops I realized
how much awareness I had gained just by being there and how much
opportunity I had to heal, and to be helped and supported. As
well, I noticed how much at home Kelly is with emotions whatever form
they may take -- from intense rage to painful shrieks, and how I learned
to release my judgment of my emotions.
One thing I was looking for in a facilitator was a willingness to feel and to process whatever he would get in touch with. I was not disappointed but greatly blessed by seeing feelings move through Kelly's body, beginning somewhere in his stomach area, moving up through his chest, throat, and up and away, with an ease and speed I had never seen before.
I too was greatly
impressed that I did not have to buy into any of his ideas, beliefs,
perceptions, intuitions, or theories, instead I was encouraged to be
discerning and to wisely accept what felt enriching, to consider what
felt entreating, and to dismiss what I had no use for.
Although I had
attended the weekends, I wasn't sure what a 10-day Retreat would be
like. I had heard phrases like 'life-transforming' and 'great',
and as usual I responded with a 'wait-and-see' attitude. And so, I
signed up as an invited team member and looked forward to
participating. At the time I needed an inner shift from
confinement and containment to freedom, vitality, and creativity.
Since I won't be
able to separate the experiences of the two retreats, I will treat them
as one; and since team members enjoy the seminar as participants and as
team members, I will first speak to my experience as a participant, and
then as a team member.
All that I enjoyed
in Kelly's weekend workshops, I received in greater measure at his
retreats. Every minute of my being there had been anticipated
starting with my arrival. As well, I enjoyed good vegetarian
cooking, a great farm-forest-river summer environment in a cedar-log
building with a smooth flow from the inside to the outside space by
means of sliding doors and a deck to the lawn. The building and
the trails through the forested part emit and vibrate a
powerful-peaceful-holy hum. (I remembered from A Course In
Miracles: The holiest place on earth is where old grievances,
resentments, ... are forgiven.) The lodge and surroundings have
many personal and homey touches, a crystal here, a figurine there, an
appropriately placed basket, clean and colorful bedding, and of course,
marvelous cedar smells throughout the lodge.
After about two
days at the lodge I saw a change in me. Looking back from the
mirror was a younger looking; more relaxed me with a more vibrant skin
tone, and an invisible but noticeable glow. With others I noticed
that relationships transformed form strangers, to friends, to very dear
friends, to bosom buddies or deeply appreciating and loving fellow human
beings. I remember playing games on the lawn with a freedom and
exhilaration that reminded me of happy boyhood times, excepting that
where I might have expected competition, I found support, and where I
might have expected difficulties, I found harmony.
Energies within me began to expand and move. I began to feel as if the sun was shining on and from me, as if I was born and reborn several times into an exuberance of color. I experienced deep peace one only finds beyond the depths of despair, and laughter born in wisdom. Love enfolded us; and all was framed in the low, powerful hummmmmmm of the holiness of the place.
Within all this, I
was myself. Whether I felt sad, happy, despaired, deeply touched,
angry, afraid, helpless, or small, (however these feelings unfolded, and
however energies moved within) I knew that each moment was an invitation
to greater expansion, to greater knowing, to greater celebration,
vitality, life, love, ... and no-one came to pity, to scold, to preach,
to try to pull me out, instead, offers of support were given.
In being myself, I
could experiment, watch, observe, learn, open or close, accept or
reject, ... I had choice, and I could discover the fruit of my choice
and the value I may or may not find. I could discover what
feelings really felt like, and perchance where these feelings came from,
how they had served me (or, how I thought they had served me), and what
conclusions I had made that had given rise to them. I could see what
purpose I had given life, how I had tried to cope with trauma: the loss
of family, home, community, .... How
I had tried to compensate for what I thought I had lost. In finding what
I thought I had lost, I found that I had lost nothing at all, but gained
greater awareness, gained greater expansion, and gained hitherto
forgotten, covered-up, rejected, dissociated, cut-off, or simply
unrecognized, unappreciated, and uncelebrated Gifts -- Freedom,
Release (Real-Ease), Blessings, ....
In my mind I
see-feel-remember gentle, guiding, loving Ray sharing his love for
nature, appreciating wild flowers, the smooth or rough surface of pine
branches depending which way one touches, the smell of the river blowing
through the sun-drenched forest, and the distant laughter or shrills of
others. And, I see myself amazed, sitting under a birch tree or a
bunch of garden flowers listening and writing their story, their message
to me.
Around midnight,
guarded and lightly shielded I sit by my friend - bosom buddy, who
innocently and naturally shares her moment as she glides-slides-lowers
deep into a place I had not yet allowed myself to go. Overwhelmed by a
slow-powerful swell of her inner fountain, tears slowly slid down her
face, while outside the moon watched and coyotes gibber-jabbered.
And what about
Kelly? With a great sense of inadequacy I will try to express what
can only be experienced. I see him sit in his chair, water bottle
by his side, looking towards me. My insides are loaded with
beehives and the bees are swarming, or my insides are as raw and tender
as liver, or I feel red-hot anger and rage, or perchance, have something
to contribute. This gentle, loving, wise, skilled man invites me
to take time and space as he shines himself at me. Nourished by his
shine I partake of his wisdom, and bit by bit unravel.
One time I fell
apart, then with soft sweet music and the loving hands of bosom-buddies,
I swayed supported in the heart of a human cradle where my brokenness
could be broken, my tears could flow, and my innermost pain could be
felt and soothed. Right then and there, kindled by the love, care,
support, and acceptance, from my brother and sister participants, a
deep, natural Peace and Love moved in to the space that the despair and
pain had vacated.
Another time Kelly
became my long deceased father. Father told me of his life, his
struggles, his wishes, his hopes, and his fears. I accused him with my
judgments, attacked him with my anger, and shared with him my tears, my
shame, and the tender wounds that I felt from living a life without
him. Somewhere amidst all of this, my asking had come to
realization: I felt my father knew me, he knew my mind and my soul.
Being intimately known by one's father is indeed a great Gift.
Again and again the
room is filled with so much love that we all heal at once, each in
his/her own way. The power of one or two touches the inner
fountain of many. Our hardened parts soften to the music and to the
gentle fingers of the spirited inner fountain that keeps on flowing and
flowing until Peace and Serenity has replaced the hardened tissues of
judgment, resentment, anger, .... . And Kelly knowingly and
unknowingly orchestrates to an invisible inner director and together
they awaken our inner fountains of healing and expansion.
Kelly is a man of a
thousand faces for a thousand seasons, each artfully tailored to each
moment's needs, and precisely orchestrated for us to unfold, awaken,
heal, and expand. We delight.
Day after day,
crescendo after crescendo, until the last moment of the scheduled time,
no sooner, no later: Energies rise, bodies lighten, faces shine,
love flows.
My other hat was
that of a support person, a team member, and an apprentice
healer-conductor-orchestrater-facilitator. And, what have I
experienced?
We gather weeks
before the event, all is planned, laid out, not much is left to
chance. Some time our meetings are mini- retreats where each may
be participant or facilitator at a moment's notice.
When around Kelly,
I am in a constant learning mode and so have inadequate records as to
the entirety of what goes on, or to all that I have learned and
unlearned. What follows then are bits and pieces that, at best,
give a tiny glimpse of a much larger whole.
As support persons
we learn to gently be with others, to lovingly offer support, to invite
out their Gifts, to see others as Spirit would see them, as they truly
are, not as our judgment, or theirs, would have us see them. We
are invited to connect to
We learn of the
gentle heart that artistically transforms a room into sacred space, and
turns a program and time sequence into a heaven song. Each does
her/his part. And we laugh and play.
What more have I
learned? - To be a servant to my heart, my Spirit, my Gifts and to
accept, appreciate, and savor them as they flow: No need for
pushing into action, no need to give up choice to be in service, no need
to sacrifice, no need to suffer, no need for pain. I have learned:
- To let service be, rather than to make it into a duty, a
responsibility, or a must. - Not to burden our service with
desire, need, or attachment of any kind.
- To be willing to feel, heal, listen, and be in service of the
invisible orchestra. - To own our self/Self, feelings, desires,
wants, needs, perceptions, ideas, beliefs, and conclusions. –To
communication clearly, precisely, and lovingly. - And, to invite in
gentle Innocence so that 'transgressions' become mere reminders to
rededicate ourselves to our Gifts, letting us breath with lightness and
gladdened hearts.
And so, I come to
stand by those who join us, and it is I who offer to be there, to hold a
hand, to walk with, to sooth and comfort, to do whatever serves
best. All of the team are there forming a reflection of the
orchestra through our individual expressions, and all are touched, begin
to open, and begin to unfold. The stops from the inner fountains are
removed unleashing Life to meet Life and Love to meet Love.
Will you treat yourself?