Sexual
Healing
Kelly
Tobey
Interviewed By Shelia Thistlethwaite
In a loving relationship, sexual intimacy has the power to
nourish love, reinforce each individual’s sense of self, and even heal
emotional wounds. But sexual expression often becomes complicated as two
individuals with differing experiences and needs try to reconcile their
own ideas and drives with their community’s perception and values.
Many individuals and couples are now finding that counseling and/or
sexuality workshops can help them to express the power of their
sexuality for themselves and their partners.
While
people are most likely to visit a therapist when they are experiencing
problems, many people attend sexuality workshops not only to heal but
also to find greater understanding and potential in their lives.
Personal and Transpersonal Growth Facilitator Kelly Tobey often leads
workshops in sexuality that are attended by couples, unattached
individuals and sometimes one partner of a committed relationship. Each
workshop is different, depending on what the people attending hope to
achieve. Tobey says they often begin with the subject of shame.
“We
carry a lot of shame around our sexuality,” he says. “In our
workshops we look at how that shame holds us down and holds us back.
It’s not only our sexual energy, but our life force energy as well. As
we block our sexual energy from coming through, the life force energy is
also suppressed, impeding our ability to have creative energy and
connect with the world around us.”
“Workshop
participants find the places where they are shaming themselves or
picking up the collective shame around sexuality. Even people who are
not prejudiced themselves still have to deal with the collective
mind”, Tobey says.
“There
are taboos on just about anything you can think of around sexuality.
When we listed taboos in one workshop we counted well over 50 things.
Then we asked if anyone had not been involved or fantasized about some
of them, and of course, everybody had.”
“It
is a continual fear we may carry about being found out in certain
circles: if people find out who we really are, then we’ll have to deal
with all the shame. So there is a tendency for us to disconnect from
ourselves, to close down and shut down our life-force energy. Then we
wonder why we go around with half a set of batteries all the time.”
Tobey
says, “We may be afraid that if we expose our thoughts and sexual
history to our partner, they may not love us and may abandon us. So we
keep our armor on and of course it is pretty difficult to have sex with
someone when you have a suit of armor on.”
“The
first step in removing the armor is to find a safe, appropriate place to
be honest with yourself. Hopefully, that place would be with your
partner. But an appropriate counseling session or workshop setting to
share in can start the process.”
“If
you are not exposing yourself to your partner, you can never feel
completely loved,” Tobey says. “It undermines your self-esteem and
who you are at the core. The only way to find out if you are with the
person appropriate for you to be with, is to be free enough to let the
other person see who you really are. Hiding means you can only feel
loved for the front you are displaying. It will leave you insecure in
the wondering if you would still be loved if they found out about the
hidden stuff.”
“It
is risky to expose because some people may leave as a result. But those
who actually suit us will move towards us not away.”
“With
sexuality, we get a lot of differing information about who we are
supposed to be, what looks good as a partner, how we should behave, and
even the mechanics of how we should be sexually. These rules that get
pushed at us can create a lot of pressure around sex and it can really
impede our being natural and open about sexuality.”
Tobey
says that while sexuality is a rich, complex subject, on another level
it is very simple when we are willing to be completely open. However,
approaching sexuality with openness can be incredibly difficult because
we may fear the most intimate aspects of ourselves will be exposed.
“Our
fear of being unloved, abandoned or rejected for being ourselves is
often where problems in intimate relationships begin,” Tobey says.
“Instead of dealing with that issue, we can find ourselves in power
struggles, withdrawing from each other or having the same arguments over
and over again.”
“Shame
has the ability to tell us we are going to be rejected,” Tobey says.
“One of shame’s biggest enemies is admittance and allowing ourselves
to expose ourselves. When we practice admittance in a safe place and we
find we are not going to be rejected, it brings us more into our own
power.”
“If
we are not in a safe place we may be faced with rejection or even
attack, so it is important to learn about discernment and how to
maintain appropriate boundaries. If we are naïve with our sharing and
end up getting hurt, we may be tempted to go back to being closed and
withdrawn in an attempt to protect ourselves.”
“In
sexuality workshops there are often opportunities for emotional release
as participants uncover places where they have been wounded physically,
emotionally or mentally. The people involved may have been unaware of
these old wounds and when memories are brought forward, a great deal of
grief for what has been lost can ensue. These releases help heal the old
wounds so they no longer drive some of our fear based behaviors.”
“Some
workshop participants report feeling a new openness and freedom in their
sexuality— something that is particularly exciting for people who have
been disengaged from their sexuality for years. People who face the
threat of their marriage falling apart may be brought closer together.
Or if the relationship is not serving both individuals, the workshop may
help the partners realize and accept that it is time to pursue different
paths and that they can do it with grace and mutual support for each
other. Some participants who are facing multiple difficulties in their
relationship find new ways to deal with problems and connect with each
other. Others find a new depth in pleasure and enjoyment of each other
and themselves.”
“Often,
sexuality is seen just as a vehicle for pleasure, joy and peace, or in
some circles, spirituality is included,” Tobey says. “Oftentimes,
what isn’t considered or talked about is the arena of emotional
healing through sexuality. If we enter sexuality with an openness to
whatever feelings may come forward, sex can be a doorway to feeling and
healing areas of grief and other painful emotions. And once those have
cleared, a greater depth of joy can come through.”
“If
couples bring their whole emotional range to their sexuality, sex can be
a powerful healer and connector. Most couples have hardly touched in to
the full potential that is inherent in sexuality that is approach with
an open emotional body. We can easily get caught up in those old
repressive rules about what sex is supposed to be and miss out on so
much.”