Sacred Sexuality

By  Kelly Tobey

Deeply intimate and connected sexuality that is sacred is an excellent vehicle for experiencing the joining of our humanness with the Divine.

It represents a total surrender into the intimate unfolding of life where we let go of all control so we can experience the uninterrupted flow of the lifeforce. This is a scary proposition for the ego because in this state we become ego-less. We experience the joining and immersing in a sea of oneness.

Our authority conflict with the Divine can be witnessed in our resistance to sacred sexuality. If we are inappropriately saying no to sex, or inappropriately saying yes to sex, we are exhibiting control behaviors that come from an underlying mistrust of Divine unfolding. This happens when we go to the small ego’s guidance around sexuality, rather than going to intuitively connected Divine guidance to access when and how to experience the sacred gift of sexuality.

When we follow the ego’s guidance it often leads us into sexual experiences that are overtly or covertly wounding. This in turn builds a conscious or subconscious idea that sexuality is not safe. Given that perception, the ego steps in and claims with more conviction “ Do not surrender to Divine guidance around sexuality. It is not safe. Let me show you how to control things and keep you safe.”

One way to build our trust in the Divine is by experimenting with following intuitive guidance so that we get to learn experientially that it is not only safe, but that it is highly beneficial.

Sacred sexuality not only deepens our physical connection, it deepens the connection of our hearts and minds. It has the flavor of unfolding without undo tension. Although some people may choose to use certain rituals and forms in their sexuality (such as some of the tantric sex styles), it is not the rituals or forms that make the sexuality sacred, it is the energy behind it. For example there are many people who practice the tools of tantric sex who still have the energy of control and manipulation behind the style, so it only has a pseudo appearance of sacredness. On the other hand there are people whose form of sexuality may look very traditional yet it has a deep sacredness about it.

If you want to experience sacred sexuality just trust in the Divine and follow it’s intuitive guidance. The formula is surprisingly simple even though it may not be easy to follow given our level of fear around releasing control.

The control is an expression of our power struggle with the Divine. If we do not trust in a benevolent Lifeforce, then we will use our ego’s choices in the exercising of free will. Anytime our ego makes a misguided choice that creates more problems, it can amplify the fear that life is against us. If we do not see that it is our own misuse of free will that is creating our problems, we will tend to blame them all on the Divine instead. We will tend to think that life is against us so we try to exert even more control. This cuts us off from accessing the benevolence of our intuitive Divine guidance.

The complexity of the interplay between free will and a benevolent Lifeforce shows up here. Some may ask, “If the Divine is benevolent why would there be so much strife and suffering? Why wouldn’t the Divine just step in and stop it?” Good questions. Here is a possible explanation. If we were not given free will to make our own choices (including possible mistakes) we would be living under a controlling dictatorship. We would have no opportunity to experience and experiment with our own sense of power. With free will we get to consciously choose to join with the recognition that we are part of Oneness or not. We get to choose whether we want to join our will with Divine will or not. If we use our free will to choose to embrace the Divine, there is a conscious loving joining. That energy would not be available if we where forced to join. To give an example, we can look to the idea of a parent who under the attempt to be loving, smothers the child with control. Because the child feels controlled it is likely that it will go into reaction to attempt to free itself. This damages the bond of love between the child and parent. Love cannot be forced but rather comes from free choice. If the child freely chooses to love the parent it may also consider the parents guidance. If we are given free choice to love the Divine or not and decide to choose love, we may also be inclined to listen to the guidance that comes out of that love bond. That guidance can lead us to recognizing more and more loving experiences.

Sacred sexuality is one of the many ways the Divine can express it’s loving self through us. It is through love that we get to see that we are one with the Divine. We are a part of the Divine expressing itself. We are the beloved, our partner is the beloved, the Divine is the beloved.

Understanding Sexual Wounding

Our history of sexual wounding can block us from having deep experiences of sacred sexuality. The wounding can show up in a variety of ways: anything from molestation, to receiving inappropriate sexual comments as a child, to being raped, to being shamed for masturbating, to being witness to molestation or rape as a child, to picking up confusion from our parents acting out of their sexual wounds, to being shamed by family members, school, religion, friends, or sexual partners for having particular sexual preferences.

The outline below provides a brief synopsis of the behavior patterns our sexual wounding can set up. If you want to better understand and clear them you are welcome to come participate in my workshops and private sessions.

Behavioral Reactions To Sexual Wounding

We may tend to swing back and forth between the opposite sides at different times in our life. Or we may try to play out each side through a different person. For example: A married person that is having no passionate sex with their partner, but is having lots of passionate sex with a person on the side, or in their fantasy mind.

Pure Sexual Energy = Lifeforce Energy coming in to give us a passion for enjoying and living life. It supplies us with true power and energy.

When we have an unhealed sexual wound that comes from a violation of our sovereign space or a shaming of who we are, it also shows up as a wound in our will and an inability to access true power. Our will gets damaged if we do not have our own self-esteem or the right to our body. We lose the sense of a right to choose freely between yes or no. We are left with a lack of the ability to discern what is most appropriate at a given time.

To unconsciously attempt to regain power we will create pseudo power strategies of “power over” others or “power under” (attempting to gain power through eliciting pity for the “victim”). The behavioral reactions to sexual wounding, of being frozen in a “yes” or in a “no”, are simply misguided, unconscious attempts to reclaim our right to ourselves and to attempt to regain a sense of power.

There is nothing inherently wrong with a yes to sex or a no to sex, rather it is the lack of choice that creates the problems.

When we heal the sexual wounds, our patterns of freezing in a “yes” or a “no” thaw out, and we once again recognize our choices. Then true power is retrieved, a power that does not dominate or collapse, but rather looks after our sovereign space. Respecting our boundaries and the boundaries of others. Inviting in intimacy when it is appropriate for both parties.

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