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Will the Real Heart Please
Stand Up?
More than just a pump or a lyric in a love song, our heart of hearts is an organ of the spirit.
by Kelly Tobey
Have
you ever noticed wrinkles appearing on your forehead or question marks forming
in your mind when someone uses the word "heart"? We seem to have at
least three distinct meanings for the word: the physical heart, the emotional
heart, and the spiritual heart.
Given
all the talk about heart in the growth community these days, I think it's
worthwhile to take a closer look at these differences. I should note that what
follows are strictly my own views and opinions. Whether or not you take them
"to heart" is up to you.
When
we speak of the physical heart, there is little room for confusion. But it's the
difference between the emotional and spiritual hearts that so often is foggy.
To
clear that fog, let's begin by examining the emotional heart. Consider some of
the expressions that commonly relate to it:
S/he broke my heart.
S/he tugged on my heartstrings.
What a heartless person!
I cried my heart out.
All
these phrases imply an attachment to getting one's emotional needs met by
someone. There is a sense here that the sharing of one's heart with another
person is conditional, that giving includes an expectation of getting
something back, as in:
I'll give you my heart; but if you don't give me
back what I want, my heart will be broken, it will ache, you will be a heartless
person - and I'll cry my heart out!
This
definitely is a heart with strings attached! The needy, grasping emotional
heart has a radar beacon for searching out people and places where it thinks
it can get its needs met. At first, when it finds another emotional heart with
which to become enmeshed, it usually acts like it's giving. But its ultimate
goal is to take or at least trade
Most
relationships begin at this emotional heart level. "I'll give to you as
long as you give to me in the way I want" is the unwritten (and often
unconscious) contract. If the contract is clearly understood by both parties,
the relationship may prove workable. But often these emotional hearts are
oblivious to their need to take from each other. After all, in the initial
honeymoon period of the romance, all the emotional hearts' needs are typically
met. Both parties adore each other and feel totally loved. No one feels needy.
Not yet.
But
as time goes by, inevitably one party starts to feel needs that the other is
either unwilling or unable to fulfill. You know, they snore at night and you
need your rest. They want sex and you want to be left alone. You want sex
and they want to be left alone . . .
When
such conflicts arise, we see whether a conditional emotional heart is
running the controls. Do we feel resentful because our needs are not being met?
Do we cast blame (after all, we've met so many of their needs!)? Do we
withdraw our love?
If
we do withdraw our love, our hearts feel broken, they ache; for it is the
natural function of the heart to give. When it stops giving . . . it hurts. Just
look at the physical heart as an example: it even gives while we sleep! If it
stops giving, we feel the pain of a heart attack. If it continues to hold out,
we die.
Rather
than sacrifice relationships to the self-centered demands of the emotional
heart, we can open them up to the expansive, unconditional love of the spiritual
heart.
We
are beings of the spiritual heart. It is always hooked up and pumping the life
force through us. In so many spiritual teachings we hear phrases like
"follow your heart," "give from your heart," "listen to
your heart," or "the healing heart." All these refer to the
spiritual heart. It has one message:
Let love flow through you with no conditions.
When
we love from our spiritual hearts, unconditionally, we never allow excuses to
stop the flow, not even that all-time favorite:
My mate/parents/co-workers/friends don't love me
unconditionally, so why should I?
Or
those popular runner-ups:
I tried it, and it didn't work.
I don't seem to be able to do it all the time. So
why bother trying at all?
With
our spiritual hearts, we can give when we are inspired to give - because it
feels good - without any attachment to getting something in return. And when
something is given to us, we can receive it in simple gratitude "no
strings attached," for we know it is not being offered in response to a
selfish demand, but is freely given.
Yes, it's true: over and over again
we forget or neglect to love unconditionally, to flex our spiritual heart
muscles. But every time we do, we feel pain - we suffer angina of the spirit. This is unnatural. We are fighting the life force.
And we feel deadened.
These feelings of pain and distress can be a wakeup call. Whenever we feel them, it can be our cue that it's time to give; it's time to let the life force of unconditional spiritual love flow through us. Hopefully with practice we will not wait for pain, instead we will remember to give love unconditionally on an ongoing basis.
