Love,
Sex And Communication
By Kelly
Tobey
It is not uncommon for
people to get love and sex enmeshed which leads to striving to get sex
in hopes it will satisfy the desire for love.
This is even more
common for people who are orgasmic as I will explain below.
One of the elements of
love is that it is a state that is free of control because love totally
respects that this is a free will zone.
That old saying “If
you truly love something you will set it free. If it is truly meant for
you it will stay” may sound cliché but is crucial to understanding
and receiving love.
How does this relate
back to sexuality and orgasm? Even if a person generally does a lot of
holding on in relationship so chances of experiencing love are tainted
with control, the only way to experience orgasm is to completely let go.
Orgasm does not come through forcing, it comes through releasing. In
that moment of releasing and opening to receive we get a taste of love.
If our partner is present and connected at that moment we get to share a
loving experience with them.
If there is a lot of
underlying fear in a relationship, moments of relaxing into love will be
few. For some people the only time they will let go will be during
sexual orgasm. Because of this, love and sex get enmeshed in their
experience. The desire to experience love gets mixed up with the idea of
sex being the only source of love.
Having sex with someone
becomes a substitute for a fuller loving relationship.
Until a person does
enough work to heal the wounds that activate their fears around
relationship, they won’t know how to have moments in relationship that
are free of control. They will hold back from fully surrendering into
the love that is available. Available not just in the sexual encounters
but in any interaction within a relationship that is based on a true
enjoyment of each other’s ‘flavor’ of being.
When we accept the
other person with no agenda and really appreciate the ‘flavor’ of
who they are it opens the door to many loving experiences together.
In order to communicate
what our ‘flavor’ is so those that might be attracted will approach,
we need to risk exposing the essence of who we are. That means dropping
any personality masks we may use to try to present ourselves as someone
we think the other person will like. Masking personalities and behaviors
are generally about trying to control how we are seen - how we are going
to earn and hold approval or how we can stay aloof so we wont risk
getting too close. Holding on or staying aloof are both controlling
methods to try to avoid heartbreak. If we can hold on to approval we
won’t have to face a possible loss. If we stay aloof from the start we
wont have to fear loss because we have not allowed ourselves to get
engaged enough to really care. As mentioned before if we are in a state
of control we are unavailable to receive love.
Real communication
comes from being fully honest and risking being seen for who we are at
our core. If we are accepted and loved for who we truly are we can
actually receive the love. If on the other hand we offer up a mask and
then someone offers their acceptance and love to the mask, who we really
are at our essence behind the mask will never know if we are loved or
not. Our pretend-self is loved, but it does not have the capacity to
actually receive love because it is an illusion, it is not real.