Love
Languages Internalized
by Kelly Tobey
Affirmation:
This person feels loved by being affirmed in what they do and who they are.
Examples: They like notes, cards, compliments, acceptance, praise, special occasion cards, messages, acknowledging that they are seen and appreciated.
Quality
Time Together:
This person feels loved through spending time with the person they love.
Examples: One on
one talks, walks together, going places together, being listened to
without interruption, eye contact when talking.
Receiving
Gifts:
This person feels loved when they receive presents or gifts.
Examples: Special occasion gifts, no special reason gifts, hand made gifts.
Acts
Of Service:
This person feels loved when someone does something for them.
Examples: They have someone do things to help them, are helped with jobs/tasks around the home – especially ones they personally don’t find much joy in doing.
Being
Touched:
This person feels loved when touched in a loving way.
Examples: An unexpected kiss, a hug, holding hands, snuggling, sexual contact.
Thanks
to the book The Five Love Languages for some of the list above.
It is not
uncommon for partners, friends, or family members to go for years
without knowing how the other person feels love. It is typical for us to
assume that the other person will feel loved in the same way that we do.
So we go about giving them what we would like to receive. If that is not
their style it will not land as a loving act and so we will be left
wondering – All I do for this person and he/she still does not get how
much I love him/her. Meanwhile the other person may be thinking – I
have a sense that this person loves me but he/she never shows it.
Once we
understand the other person’s love language we can treat him/her in a
manner that more clearly communicates to them that they are loved.
One thing
that is crucial is that we understand our own “love language” and
start showing acts of love to ourselves in alignment with that language.
This helps build a foundation of self-love. If we do not love ourselves
it will not matter in what “language” others try to show us love, we
will be unable to receive it. Yet we will be desperate for those others
to show us love to make up for our own deficit. That desperation is
driven by a subconscious demand that they fill the emptiness that we
have not learned to fill ourselves.
Once we
understand our deservedness and build a foundation of self-love, then
love from others is a bonus that can be received. Until that is
established we may build resentment towards others for not loving us
“enough”. Making it their job to make us feel lovable. When we do
this they can be left feeling helpless because no matter how hard they
are trying to express love we have no internal docking system to receive
it at.
Please do not
use the love languages as a tool for putting co-dependent demands on
others to fill our bottomless sense of emptiness. Once we build a
foundation of self-love, then we have created an internal container that
can actually hold the love being poured in by others. Without that
foundational container their love will just flow through. On its way
through we may feel a momentary high as their love touches us but
without the container it soon flows out the bottom and we are left
starving for the next “love hit” to be supplied by an outside
source. This heavy dependency demand on others to fill the bottomless
pit will often drive people away, setting us up to feel even more
desperate.
As well as uncovering our own love language and treating ourselves accordingly here are a few other tips for building a foundational container of self-love:
Ø Have mercy and forgive our selves for our mistakes. Making amends to self and others when possible.
Ø Own our integral uniqueness rather than comparing our selves to others.
Ø Follow through on dedications.
Ø Strive for excellence without getting lost in perfectionism.
Ø Create opportunities to be in loving service to others and self.
Ø Immerse our selves in play.
Ø Grieve our losses to unload and make room to receive.
Ø Step into the empowerment of accountability.
Ø Invite spiritual consciousness to remind us of our lovability.
