Usually
it takes a crisis for a man to examine his emotions.
Maybe
his wife leaves, or he’s hitting the bottom of a bottle, or he gets
fired.
Sometimes
even that doesn’t work. So the guy— sticking to the ‘Real men
don’t cry’ motto — squares his shoulders and carries on.
But
just because he’s not facing his fears and sorrows doesn’t mean they
disappear, said Kelly Tobey, facilitator of a weekend gathering for men.
Called
‘Where to From Here,’ the workshop at MacDonald Island Pavilion
focuses on what it means to be a brother, son, father, husband and
friend.
“A
lot of times we’ll be working with helping men get in touch with their
inner life and emotions,” explained Tobey.
Usually
that only happens when men are alone with women. The rest of the time,
men are supposed to be strong and macho. Admitting there’s difficulty
with the spouse, children or work is shameful.
“There
tends to be quite a bit of distance between men in everyday life. It is
almost as if there is an inner fear or competitiveness. It’s all
‘toughen up, be a man.’
“In
the workshop setting, it allows us to set aside barriers. We’re not
out in the war zone ... it’s an opportunity to voice what’s going on
in our lives.”
Isn’t
this new age, fluffy, wimpy stuff? If men believe that and totally
resist Tobey’s ideas, they’ll gain nothing from attending the
workshop
A
“transformational facilitator,” 44 year-old Tobey explained a lot of
his training came from life experience.
He
was sexually molested as a child and lived on the streets as a teen,
hitchhiked across Canada and the U.S., dealt drugs and spent a stint in
prison.
“I
made a mess of things at home. I was into rebellion and street fighting.
I got married at 16 and that was a disaster.”
This
was in the ‘70s, when communes were popping up all over and Tobey
traveled and stayed in several.
“There
wasn’t people who knew me in the role of ‘Kelly Tobey the (jerk)’
so it was an opportunity to try new things.”
That
meant changing and shifting — for the better.
“I
received so many gifts it was a natural calling to turn around and
share.”
He
found he could relate to kids and got a job in a group home in Ontario
as a caregiver and mentor.
“I’d
been in the place they were in. I knew their tricks.”
Originally,
he’d explored spiritual and psychological aspects of the human
experience, but not emotions.
Then
one day during a climbing expedition Tobey saw the woman he loved plunge
to her death.
“That
event cracked me open at the emotional level. It opened me up, not only
to that loss, but every other loss I’d ever experienced.”
From
there, Tobey was attracted to working on his emotional well being.
He
attended the Vision Mountain Training Center to learn about Sacred
Psychology, which combines traditional psychology with a sense of
non-denominational spirituality.
“There
needs to be a safe place for people to work through their traumas and
get in touch with their emotional body.”
He
said, “Suppressing pain results in squashing other emotions.”
“People
tend to live a flatter and flatter life,” he said. And they do not
even know that is what’s going on. They just feel dead inside.
“I
like to give people the opportunity to face old places of hurt and
realize they’re not overwhelming. It releases us to joy and
spontaneity when we have overcome the fear of the unknown.”
An
evening seminar is scheduled for men and women, which Tobey said is a
good way of letting the partners know what’s happening.
“Some
women may fear a bunch of men getting together, a sense of ‘what are
these guys up to.”
“This work will act to indirectly support them as well as support the men attending. We become a lot nicer to be around as husbands, fathers and friends.”