Often couples can feel
like they owe something and/or that they are owed something when a
relationship ends. (This dynamic can also happen during relationship but
gets amplified at the ending.)
The feelings of
indebtedness that remain in the unconscious can pull us off center and
be detrimental to peace of mind.
If we follow feelings
of indebtedness far enough they usually have their foundation in deep
subconscious feelings of feeling like we were a burden to our families,
society, etc. We get set up with a feeling that our existence as a
unique being is not valuable in and of itself. We get set up to think we
have to prove our value in order to compensate for the burden that we
are. The core message is that I am not good enough, I have to pay off
the debt I owe.
The other corresponding
subconscious belief is that others are not good enough and they too have
to pay off the debt they owe. Soon we are operating in a world where we
think that: I am in debt and if I work hard enough to prove my worth
others will become indebted to me. As long as it stays unconscious, we
will always have a feeling of indebtedness lurking in the background and
we will always have (at the same time) a feeling that others are
indebted to us.
When preparing to end a
relationship, asking the following questions of each other can be
helpful to clear out any unconscious hidden agenda. Once cleared the
ending can be cleaner.
Questions for each
partner to ask of the other:
Do you think I owe you
something?
What is the reasoning
you have around thinking I owe you?
What is it that would
make you feel the debt was paid off?
Do you think you owe me
something?
Why do you think you
owe me something?
What would it take for
you to think we are even?
Note: Remember when
entering this exercise it is about uncovering unconscious beliefs. Just
because a partner thinks they are owed, or thinks they owe something
does not mean that they really do.
Do your best to just
listen and let your partner uncover their beliefs. Do not get caught up
in arguing for or against the beliefs. At this point you are both just
gathering information by bringing subconscious ideas to the surface to
be examined.
Remember the only debts
that are truly owed are ones that were made through conscious spoken or
written agreement by both parties. Example: We agreed that I would pay
for your schooling and then you would pay me back x dollars within x
years of being in the work force. Example: We agreed that you would work
and bring in all the money needed to support our lifestyle and that I
would stay at home and look after the children and maintain the
household. Example: We agreed that we are both contributing our energy
to the relationship in the best way we know how and anything that is
created as fruits of that union will be owed equally.
To be clear: in the
examples described above, in order to be valid, they would have had to
be actually discussed and consciously agreed on by both parties. NOT
just assumed by one or the other person that it “should” be that
way.
The other debts that
are truly owed are the one’s where from a heartfelt place you feel
called to give something to the other person. Not because you “have
to” but because you are inspired to.
Most other debts are
subconsciously manufactured by the mind with no agreement ever having
been made by the other party. These are assumptive debts and can create
a lot of problems if not cleared.
These can be fed by our
going into sacrifice, rather then being true to ourselves. Then going
into victim consciousness that says “I had to do that for you.” Once
that foundation is laid, there is a false basis for declaring that you
are indebted to me because of what I did for you. Of course if the other
party made no conscious agreement to this scenario, there is no debt
actually owed.
Example: I gave you sex
for years so you owe me X in return. If no one made a conscious
agreement to exchange X for sex, then no debt is owed. If the person was
giving sex out of sacrifice, or with the energy of “giving to get”,
rather than offering it up freely as a gift from their heart (or rather
than making up a spoken or written agreement that sex would be given in
exchange for X.) then that is their life lesson to learn. The
indebtedness is a fabrication of their mind. Betraying oneself through
sacrifice, or doing things with the hidden agenda that someone owes you
in return, are behaviours that are counter productive to a life of joy
and ease.
To stay clear with our
actions we can ask two important questions of ourselves.
Am I doing this from a
place of true giving? A place of service with no expectations of being
“paid back.”
If not.
Have I made a conscious
agreement with the involved party/parties that they will compensate me
in exchange for what I am doing? And if so what exactly is the
compensation?
These two questions
when asked and answered can keep us free of actions that fuel
enmeshment, hidden agendas, and expectations.
Now going back to the
questions about indebtedness suggested earlier. Once they are asked,
both parties can look at and evaluate the answers that were spoken. Now
that the information is out in the light of consciousness it can help in
the development of the choices and agreements that need to be made by
both people together.
Once all the
information is out, if the two people cannot negotiate to a clear
agreement it is typically because part of them (whether it is conscious
or unconscious) wants to remain enmeshed in the relationship. There is a
deep seeded fear of completion that needs to be faced. The issue is
likely not about splitting up goods, it is about fear of abandonment or
loss of investment in the relationship. Fighting over “property” is
only a distraction from a deeper issue. If this deeper issue does not
get faced and worked through it is likely that the couple will caught up
in legal battles and drag out the completion for months or even years.
In their conscious
minds they might proclaim that they just want to get it over with, be
done with this person and get on with their next phase of life. And part
of them would like that. But a bigger part of them that is represented
by the unhealed part of the unconscious mind still wants to stay
enmeshed with the other. If this were not the case, the issue would have
cleared long ago.