ELEMENTS OF CO-DEPENDENCY
by Kelly Tobey
Most relationships will have some
form of enmeshment happening in them. Not that it is a healthy
pattern but because it is a pattern that is so common with us
humans that it is almost assured that we will learn to pick it up
consciously and unconsciously from an early age on.
The pattern of enmeshment is
played out as an attempt to control getting our needs met from the
person we are enmeshed with. Meeting someone’s needs and/or
having them meet our needs when it is offered up freely with no
strings attached is not an act of enmeshment. It is when we are
attached to having that person fulfill us in a particular way that
we are likely to go into elements of enmeshment.
One of the elements of enmeshment
is the tendency to go into sacrifice in an attempt to please the
other and to be using that sacrifice as currency to get something
from the other person.
An example of enmeshed
co-dependency: One person in the relationship may spend a lot of
their time working to provide money for the family, all the while
coveting the amount of time their partner gets to spend in the
home and with the children. The other person may spend a lot of
their time working to look after the home and children, all the
while coveting the amount of time their partner gets to spend out
in the world relating with other adults. If these two people are
not making clear heartfelt choices for their positions they will
feel like they are trapped in sacrifice. To further feed the
enmeshment they may believe that it is somehow their partners
fault that they are in this situation. They may feel they are
sacrificing for their partner. As in I am sacrificing my life in
order to provide money for you, and on the other side I am
sacrificing my life to provide a comfortable home for you to come
home to.
What follows the sacrifice is the
idea that the other owes us something in return for the sacrifice
we are making. So now we think we can justify going to the other
with demands that they be a certain way because they owe it to us
because of the sacrifices we have made for them. Example: I worked
hard to make the home nice and care for the children so now I
deserve to receive caring sex from you. Behind it is a sense of
entitlement. (All of this patterning is likely to go on at an
unconscious level. It is not being recognized or spoken out loud,
yet the unconscious pressures are being felt.)
This can lead to the other person
feeling trapped and pressured about owing caring sex. Eventually
they are likely to attempt some kind of rebellion to break free.
One way to attempt this is to devalue the actual contribution the
other person made to the family unit. So they could make comments
about how much easier the partners home work is than their own
away from home work. If
they can de-value the other then they can tell themselves that
they do not owe anything in return. Now this same dynamic will be
working in the opposite direction as well because the other
partner will see them self as working hard outside the home and
that they can demand something as a pay off for their hard work.
Meanwhile the person who was at home can try to devalue the out of
home work so they can tell themselves that they do not owe
anything in return.
In the end both people end up
feeling ripped off for sacrificing and not getting their demands
met in return. And they feel de-valued for their contribution.
Why would partners but up with
this month after month, year after year? Often it is because of an
underlying fear of abandonment and undeservability.
As in “I better put up with this because it is better
then nothing”. Eventually for many people “nothing” looks
more appealing than “this” so they will end the relationship.
If they had only learned how to
dissolve the patterns of co-dependent enmeshment they would have
found new depths of intimacy and reward in the relationship.
What if they had both fully and
consciously chosen each action they took in the relationship? What
if they were each willing to be fully accountable for the choices
and they were making - choices to contribute just because it felt
true, rather than as an attempt to earn something from the other?
Then they could both own their value as well as appreciate the
value of the other.
Now they are free from feeling
indebted and from thinking the other person’s contribution
represents something that they have to match. Now they are free
from feeling a need to compete with the other person’s
contribution. This leaves them free to acknowledge and appreciate
the other person.
This is so different in contrast
to how enmeshment keeps us feeling trapped at some level whether
it is conscious or not. When we feel trapped, if we do not know
how to free ourselves lovingly, it is typical for us to go into
rebellion (again whether it is conscious or not). Rebellion is an
immature way to try to regain freedom because it is based in
againstness. We are fighting with others trying to make them look
small or wrong and this is a reflection of our internal rebellion
and fighting against ourselves.
Reaching for mature ways for
freedom means moving into individuation and differentiation. We
can begin finding the essence of our true self and owning our
differences without needing to make the other bad.
We can work to make things better without needing to attack
or belittle someone else.
Co-dependency
indicates that a loss of true self is attempting to be compensated
for by trying to find an identity through another person. (Or in
the case of the independent, by withdrawing from the other person
for fear of loosing the self.) The number of elements of
co-dependency (the list below is only a partial inventory) and the
level of their prominence in your relationships will indicate the
level of enmeshment you are dealing with. Moving from
co-dependency towards healthy differentiation within a
relationship starts by honestly identifying the elements of
co-dependency that apply. We cannot clear things that we wont
admit to.
You
can ask yourself honestly if any of the following statements apply
to your relationships. Which ones apply to you? Which ones in your
perception apply to the people you are in relationship with?
1.
At times my good feelings about who I am are dependent on
being liked by you.
2.
At times my good feelings about who I am are dependent on
receiving approval from you.
3.
Your struggles affect my serenity. Sometimes my attention
is overly focused on solving your problems or relieving your pain.
4.
Sometimes my attention is overly focused on pleasing you.
5.
Sometimes my attention is overly focused on protecting you.
6.
Sometimes my attention is focused on manipulating you ‘to
do it my way’ so I’ll feel okay.
7.
At times my self-esteem is determined by how much I can
relieve your pain and make you happy.
8.
Often my own hobbies, interests, and time spent with
friends are put aside. My time is spent focusing on your hobbies,
interests, and friends.
9.
Sometimes I sacrifice myself to meet your needs in hopes
that you will not abandon me.
10.
At times, if you do not intuit and meet my hidden, unspoken
needs I feel resentful and angry.
11.
Sometimes I try to strongly influence what your clothing
and personal appearance will be, as I feel you are a reflection of
me.
12.
Sometimes I try to strongly influence your actions and what
you say to others, as I feel you are a reflection of me.
13.
Sometimes when your attention turns to other people or
things and away from me I feel threatened.
14.
Sometimes I am not fully aware of how I feel, I am more
aware of how you feel. I am not fully aware of what I want, I ask
what you want. If I am not aware of what you feel or want, I
assume.
15.
The majority of the dreams I have for my future revolve
around you.
16.
At times my fear of rejection and abandonment determines
what I say or do.
17.
At times my fear of your anger determines what I say or do.
18.
I expect you to meet my needs.
19.
I use giving as a way to feel safe in our relationship.
20.
My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
21.
Sometimes I put my values aside in order to connect with
you.
22.
I sometimes find myself saying: “I have done all of
‘X’ for you, you should be willing to do ‘Y’ for me.
23.
I often value your opinion and way of doing things more
than my own.
24.
I often measure the quality of my life by looking to the
quality of yours.
25.
I refer to you as “my other half” or “my better
half”.
If most of the preceding statements don’t apply to you but do apply to your partner, it is an indicator that you are playing out the other side of the dance of co-dependence. That is: to be somewhat aloof and insensitive to what your partner is going through. The level of co-dependence in a relationship is in direct proportion to how much one person is acting out their dependency role and the other is acting out their independent role. Independence comes from a fear of loss of self. The independent uses distance because they fear that they don’t have the ability to be really close to another and still maintain who they are as an individual. What the person in the independent role does not usually see is that they are just as enmeshed in the relationship as the dependent one. In order for an independent to have any semblance of a relationship they have to attract in someone who is dependent enough to put up with their aloof distancing. Because dependent and independent energies are polarized, two people carrying these roles don’t get close enough to really connect and get to know each other on a deeper intimate level.
For a relationship to mature, the co-dependent elements need to be seen, admitted to, and be cleared. Clearing them often means needing to face our fears of abandonment by opening to the suppressed grief left over from past losses. As we learn that we can feel the grief without it overwhelming us, our fears of loss and abandonment start to lift. This releases us from needing to indulge in co-dependent patterns as an attempt to manage / suppress our grief.
As the polarized roles of dependency and independence are released it allows for a relationship of healthy differentiation. This means that both people are secure enough with their sense of self that they can risk exposing their true self to each other. There is no need to hide in independent aloofness, nor in dependence on the other to provide an identity. As two people expose who they really are, warts and all, it makes room for real intimacy to build. As in: I am an individual, and I’m willing to explore how we can co-create a relationship together as two individuals. I will not let my fear of loss stop me from expressing who I truly am. I will not betray myself in order to try to “win” you.
If we are truly grounded in our true self we have no need to live through others or to avoid others for fear of loosing ourselves.
Sometimes
fears about how our exposed true self will be received can
resurface, and there can be a temptation to go back to hiding in
the roles of dependence and independence. These fears usually
surface at a time when we are being called to step into the next
level of exposure and intimacy. So once again we can choose,
either the rewards of deeper intimacy, or the restrictions of
co-dependency.