Being a Valentine
to Yourself and Others
By Kelly
Tobey
We
may often look to others to fill in the places where we feel incomplete
in ourselves. (This isn’t necessarily a conscious thing).
If
we feel complete in ourselves, or able to move towards a place of
completeness, we will most likely feel just fine on February I4th
whether we have another Valentine in our life or not.
If
we feel a level of distress when Valentines Day comes and we are by
ourselves, it may be that we have been unwilling to fall more deeply in
love with ourselves, so instead we wish someone would come along and do
it for us. Of course the catch is if we can’t fully love ourselves,
how could we ever believe that someone else could.
Being
single can help bring clarity to when a person needs to develop more
love for themselves. Typically a great longing for someone else is a
sign that we do not feel complete within ourselves. On the other hand if
the capacity to enjoy life fully does not hinge on whether we have a
partner or not, we are likely blessed with a foundational sense of
wholeness.
If
we are already in a relationship it is sometimes less evident if we feel
whole within ourselves or not. Our partner can provide a false sense of
wholeness when they are doing everything just right to fit our needs.
Yet if they aren’t behaving the way we want them to, and that is a
trigger for us, we can be suspicious of our own lack of self-love and
wholeness.
Instead
of focusing on — what can the other bring to me in relationship — we
may do better by focusing on how full we feel ourselves. If we are full
and running over it means that we have lots to share in relationship. I
do mean share — not barter with. They can look similar. Often people
will try to build their assets with the idea in mind that it will help
them draw in, or win over a partner. They hope that it will give them
something to barter with. If that’s how a person is approaching
relationship they are likely to find someone that needs and falls in
love with what they are offering. If they continue to build a
relationship on that premise it’s likely that they will be expected to
keep providing the same service for their partner for as long as they
are in the relationship. Of course that can soon become a fatiguing duty
that burdens them. They can be left feeling that they are not loved for
who they are, but for what they do.
The
question is, would you like to set an intention to move towards the
ideal of having a relationship where two whole people with excess to
share get together. Or would you like to settle for a relationship built
on bartering between two people?
If
wholeness were the game you’d like to participate in it would pay to
first take an inventory of where you are really at presently. There are
probably very few people, if any at all, who are fully aware of their
wholeness 24 hours per day. So please don’t be afraid to take a very
honest look at your present reality.
One
way to do that is to make a list of all the things you would like to
have in a partner. Give yourself permission to not limit the list in any
way. If you have a partner already that doesn’t fit a lot of things on
the list and you don’t want to insult them with your inventory,
instead of limiting your list, you can give yourself permission to not
show it to your partner.
Go
ahead and make the list before you read any further. If you read further
you will risk cheating yourself out of getting the full value from this
exercise because if you know the next step, it may influence what you
put on your list. Now is the time to stop reading and make your list.
OK
welcome back. Now you can go through your list and beside each item mark
down whether you have fully developed that quality in yourself and are
able to share it with others, or if it is something that is still
underdeveloped in you. Each of the things on the list that you have not
developed fully (so aren’t able to provide yourself) represent parts
of yourself that you may want to focus on developing more so you’ll be
closer to recognizing your wholeness. That doesn’t mean you need to
avoid relationship. You may, in fact, choose to be in relationship with
someone who fits some of the parts of your list that you don’t fit
yourself. Once you are in this relationship you will have a choice of
two approaches. One is to utilize your partner as a teacher and learn
from them how to develop those things you feel are underdeveloped in
yourself. The second way, which is very common for most people, is to
want your partner to continue to supply the qualities on the list that
you haven’t developed yourself. So instead of learning from your
partner how to develop your sense of wholeness, you start to become
dependent on your partner to complete who you are. It is possible that
they will be doing the same to you in areas where they feel
underdeveloped. This soon creates a burden on both persons as they sense
the underlying demand to keep putting out in order to complete the
other. These kinds of pressures create the foundations of co-dependency
and are usually quite detrimental to relationship.
Once
we are clear that recognizing wholeness in ourselves is our own
responsibility, we will naturally want to take the steps that lead us in
that direction, rather than trying to make a partner responsible for
completing us. This frees us up to expand towards our full potential and
to enjoy the blessing our partner brings us by being a mentor and
teaching us how to open to our own giftedness.