What’s
Feeding Addictive Behaviors?
By
Kelly Tobey
The following will represent
some of the driving factors that are behind the temptations to indulge
in addictions. If you are dealing with addictions you may find that one
or more of these drivers are involved.
Of course addictions come in a
great variety of forms, some more visible than others. An example of
some addictions: work, approval, food, exercise, intoxicants,
victimhood, belief systems, sex, being right, gambling, anger,
perfectionism, dogmatic religiosity, smoking, and control.
Self-punishment
for mistakes:
Any place in life (at a
conscious or subconscious level) that we feel we have made a mistake,
can lead to us thinking we have to punish ourselves. Although most
addictions start off by giving us a sense of relief, euphoria, or
accomplishment, they eventually lead to being detrimental to ourselves.
The self-sabotage is a tool we can be unconsciously using to punish
ourselves for mistakes.
Short form of way out: Seek
support in learning how to forgive ourselves for any mistakes we have
made and then re-dedicate ourselves to loving action or non-action.
Suppression
of unfelt grief:
Often, indulging in an addiction
will be an attempt to numb out feelings of grief. In this world of
change and loss there is lots to grieve over. If we have not given
ourselves permission for grieving and a safe outlet for grieving we may
be tempted to dive into an addictive behavior to distract us from
feeling grief. Of course this never takes care of the grief, it just
temporarily buries it and the ramifications of the addictive behavior
will usually create even more losses for us to grieve over.
Short form of way out: Give
ourselves permission and a supportive environment where we can go into
our feelings of grief. Face the grief and give it full expression. For
example if our addiction is alcohol remember when sadness comes up - go
for tears not beers. In doing so we will teach ourselves that we have
the strength and courage to face and feel grief. Grief does not end with
one good cry. Our journey through life will present many losses to be
grieved along the way. With self-permission to grieve we will no longer
need to use addictions to hide from grief.
Lack
of sense of worth:
If we have faced a lot of
negative criticism from others and ourselves, with little or no
acknowledgement of our value, we may be left with deep lack of
self-worth. This can lead to a feeling of pointlessness. Initially
addictions can distract us from these feelings of low self-esteem but in
the long run if we get caught in the destructiveness of addictions it
can further undermine our sense of value.
Short form of way out: In
spite of any mistakes we have made we still have value. Find a spiritual
practice that is grounded in the belief that everyone is a blessing to
this world. Surround yourself with people that have the eyes to see your
value. Do whatever style of personal development work that it takes for
you to become aware of your inherent giftedness.
Lack
of purposefulness:
If we have never tapped into a
deep sense of purpose and lived from it, eventually whatever we do in
life will start to feel empty and flat. Without purpose we will lack
passion and the presence of lifeforce energy. An attempted substitute
for passion is the excitement of drama. Getting lost in addictions can
lead to all sorts of drama in our life. Drama is often filled with the
jarring energies of tension and adrenaline which is actually a poor
substitute for the fulfilling, inspiring energies that come with living
out a life of purposefulness.
Short form of way out: Set
an intension to learn about our purpose and open to receiving support in
the learning. Hint: I would propose that our deepest level of purpose is
to give and receive love. Each of us has our own forms of how to express
love. Finding our purpose could be seen as an exploration into
discovering what forms of expressing love best suit us as unique
individuals.
Substitute
for unmet needs:
We may get lost in addictions as
an attempt to substitute for an unmet need. For example: if our unmet
need is for self worth, we will initially feel benefited by getting
someone to approve of us, distracting us from our own lack of
self-approval. This can lead to an addiction to approval seeking while
ignoring the self-destructive results. Results such as; sacrificing what
is true for us and instead doing what someone else wants in an attempt
to get their approval. This is an act of self-betrayal that leads to
lowered self-worth, typically followed by a deeper addiction to outside
approval to compensate.
If the underlying need has not
been met or felt, stopping one addictive habit will typically lead to a
substitute addiction. Such as stopping smoking but substituting it with
overeating.
Short form of way out: Identify
the true unmet need and find a healthy way to meet it. If the need
cannot be met at this point be willing to feel the emotions that come up
as a result of not getting the need met. If you are willing to face the
feelings, the temptation to go into an addiction to avoid the emotions
will lesson.
Indulging
as an attempt to make up for sacrifice:
If there are areas of our life
where we are acting out of sacrifice (Betraying the actions or
non-action that would be true to who we are at our essence.),
consciously or unconsciously we will typically attempt to balance the
sacrifice by indulging in some things in other areas of our life. For
example: If we are in sacrifice by working at a job that is demeaning to
our character we might indulge in a food addiction as an unconscious
attempt to give something to ourselves to make up for the sacrifice. At
first the food can feel like a reward but with the overindulgence it
becomes a self-destructive addiction.
Short form of way out: Take
the time to uncover areas of sacrifice in our lives. Look for the roots
of why we are in sacrifice. It will typically have to do with some need
we are trying to get met. Example: We might go into sacrifice and have
sex with our partner at a time when it is not true for us to be sexual.
Perhaps the need we are trying to get met is to win our partners
approval. Or perhaps it is to avoid the ramifications of our partner’s
disappointment or anger.
Once we have uncovered the roots
of our sacrifice we can seek out the support to find new ways to look
after ourselves with integrity instead of selling ourselves into
sacrifice.
Avoiding
feelings:
Addictive behavior can be a way
to avoid feelings, uncomfortable memories, hurts, or facing problem
areas of life that we do not feel skilled in. For
example: using intoxicants or burying oneself in work could be used to
avoid facing a difficulty in relationship.
Short form of way out: Many problem areas in life are a result of our unresolved history. Finding support to face, feel and heal the ramifications from our past, builds our courage and ability to face whatever comes up in life so we no longer need to retreat into an addiction for avoidance. Reclaiming and befriending our emotions empowers us to live with authenticity.