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We
are relational beings. We were born out of the relationship of two
people. Community whether small or large can be of great value to us.
Yet if we have not had good experiences with community, (including our
first community which was our family system) there can be a tendency to
isolate into a community of one with ourselves, or to find a partner and
isolate with them in a community of two. This puts a lot of pressure on
the one or two people involved as there is a large limitation on what a
community of one or two can provide. One of the things that can create
break down in primary partnerships is the expectation for our partner to
meet all of our community needs. It is typically healthy for primary
partnerships to surround themselves with a compatible community. The
interaction with community takes the pressure off of the primary
relationship to provide for every need.
Establishing
a place within community has a lot of value but it may mean facing and
working through past hurts that have come by way of community. For
example we may have to heal the effects that our families dysfunctions
have had on us in order to not get lost in the dysfunctions that can
arise in present day community. If
we cannot call up the courage to walk through the challenges there will
be a temptation to retreat back into a community of one or two.
Unfortunately
real community does not just happen; it is something that takes time and
energy to develop.
Our
relationship to community, like all relationships with the outside
world, is a reflection of our internal process.
I
would suggest that solid community is built through a process of freely
giving and of openly receiving. When we are in touch with a sense of
inner purpose there is a natural desire to contribute into the world
around us. Finding ways to contribute into a community with our time,
energy, support, wisdom, compassion, playfulness and love, gives a sense
of purposefulness and reminds us of our self-worth.
To
bring balance there needs to be a place for others to give to us as
well, so that means developing an openness to receiving from others.
This allows others the satisfaction that comes from being able to
contribute value into the community.
For
a community to be vibrant it is important that the giving and receiving
is done with no hidden attachments or expectations. That does not mean
there is no room for agreed upon exchanges. As in; I will do this for
you if you will do that for me. These are clean agreements that are
totally different than doing something for someone with an expectation
for something in return when you have not told the other person what it
is that is expected of them and they have not agreed to any exchange. If
we are in sacrifice with our giving it is typically a sign that we will
have an inner demand that we get something in return. If people are
caught up in sacrifice, then attempting to build community becomes work
rather than a natural pleasurable unfolding.
If
we give of our gifts naturally it reveals more of the essence of who we
are. In turn this gives us a clear picture of whether the community we
are involving ourselves in, is a fit for us or not. If who we are at our
core is received and appreciated then we know this is a community for
us. If not, we may be wise to move on and find or build a different
community that is a fit for our personal “flavor” of being.
Many
people struggle to try to fit into a community that will never really
suit them. If we start to modify our own personal “flavor” and
betray who we really are just to attempt to fit in, we can never be
truly satisfied. We may ‘trick’ the community into accepting the
personality we are presenting but because we are betraying the essence
of who we are, there is no way to be truly satisfied.
Sometimes
being true to ourselves can mean standing alone for periods of time with
little or no community to surround us. This can bring up loneliness and
temptations to betray ourselves in an attempt to fit in and get away
from the feelings of loneliness. Yet to betray ourselves we will still
feel alone even while surrounded by others, because self-betrayal means
we have abandoned parts of ourselves. Those parts will carry the
feelings of isolation and loneliness.
We
have probably all experienced and/or seen others experiencing being
surrounded by others but still feeling alone.
