50
Ways To Love Your Leaver
By Kelly
Tobey
Throughout
our lives we leave and are left by lovers, family members, friends and
co-workers. Unfortunately endings are not always done with clean,
openhearted grace. Often the leaving is a clumsy, painful process that
imprints hurts in our emotions whether we are conscious of them or not.
I
would suggest that when we stop loving ourselves or the other in the
process of leaving, we will remain trapped in incompletion, even after
we have physically left each other. This results in losing a part of our
potential to live as a fully empowered person.
I
would suggest that love is always the key to our freedom and whenever we
block love in an attempt to get our needs met, we trap ourselves.
I
would suggest that all our unhealed leavings show up as a lack of
intimacy in our present relationships or a lack of having relationship
at all.
How
do we repair the damage created by past leavings that were not loving so
we can get on with creating deeply intimate relationships now?
Below
are some suggestions for how to stay open and loving to ourselves and
the other even if we have been left against our conscious will.
Of
course any relationship we have created will always be a relationship
for us. The completions that are referred to in this text are about a
completion of the form that the relationship had in the past. Even if
someone dies or we never see them again, we can still have a
relationship with them in our heart.
These
exercises can be done with any relationships – friends, family, etc.
not just sexual lovers. Bonus: With slight modifications most of them
can also be done with a present partner as a focus and will help deepen
that relationship.
1.
Identify things that went well in the past relationship that have not
gone as well since.
Identify
parts of the self that you had thought the other person created rather
than inspired. Example: It was the best sex I ever had > followed by
a belief that it was him or her that made or broke the possibility of
the great sex, rather than seeing that they were a catalyst, not a
source, for your dormant sexual gifts to come forward.
Possible
solution: Do an inner visualization of claiming those parts of yourself
back. Realizing that if you had them in that past relationship you can
still access them now. Recognizing that the other person was a mentor or
inspiration but is not the source of the gift that was
brought forward.
2.
Identify things that you inspired in the other person. Notice if you
have any wish for them to not receive that inspiration from anyone else.
If so let go of the block.
Possible
solution: Instead bless them to open to those gifts in themselves and to
share them with others. Example staying with the sex theme it would mean
blessing them to have just as good as, and even better sex with their
new partner when he/she comes along.
Wanting
to be seen as more special than anyone else keeps your energy caught in
the old relationship still trying to energetically prove your worth.
3.
Identify any places you may be holding grudges. Grudges tie up our
energy. It takes energy to wish anyone ill will because you contract
when you do it. It goes against your innate nature to be loving.
Possible
solution: If instead you bless them and wish them well it honors your
natural state and opens your energetic flow.
If
you feel you need to hold a grudge on past relationships it will bring
fear to any of your own new relationships > fear that they too will
eventually invoke energy draining grudges. As well the new partner will
feel the grudge energy you are sending out to the old partner and so may
feel fear that you are capable of doing it to them also unless they can
not maintain an ongoing perfection never making any mistakes.
4.
Identify
any place you are holding back; saving yourself for the old partner.
Subconsciously hoping that somehow they will notice your sacrifice and
see that you are still waiting and available for them. Hoping that
somehow it is going to inspire them to come back to you.
Another
sex example: I remember once after breaking up, going for an extensive
period without being sexual with any other partner. In my mind I felt it
would be betraying my past partner even though they had clearly finished
with me. Part of me was wishing they would see and reward me for the
sacrifice I was making for them.
Be
aware if there really was any hope of them coming back you actually make
yourself less attractive by blocking your enjoyment of life.
Possible
solution: If you allow yourself to live your life fully you become more
vibrant and attractive to a fully alive partner.
The
only people you are likely to attract through sacrificing your lifeforce
are partners that are looking for someone they can control and
manipulate.
5.
Identify any place you are comparing your present partner (or potential
partners) with past partners. The comparison is a sign of setting up
competition between them in your mind. It will be felt energetically and
leads to undermining respect and intimacy in a relationship.
Possible
solution: Release all to their own beautiful uniqueness. Enjoy what is
now available to you.
6.
Identify any unexpressed grief left over from the loss of past
relationships.
Possible
solution: Express the grief fully in a safe supportive environment.
Unexpressed
grief will set you up to resist fully loving the person who is available
to you now. The subconscious fear is that > if I allow myself to
fully love this new person I will be risking another loss. I cannot
handle the grief of my past loss, let alone take on the possibility of
grieving another loss.
Fully
expressing grief assures us that we can handle loss so that it is safe
to risk deeply loving once again.
7.
Identify any ways that you think your past partner owes you. Identify
your attachment level to getting what you believe is owed.
Feeling
you are owed can block you from receiving from a new source. As long as
you hold in your mind that you are already owed something by someone, it
sends a message to your unconscious that you already have a source for
whatever you are owed, so your unconscious energy field gets the message
that it does not need to go about attracting in another source for that
thing.
Example:
If I think a past partner owes me $10,000 as long as I hold that
thought, at a practical level it is going to keep me $10,000 poorer than
I could be because my internal bank account is registering that I have
that $10,000 still coming to me from my past partner. So why bother
creating a new source.
Possible
solution: Let go of the attachment to X person having to give you what
you think is owed. Let go of any attachment to it coming to you from any
source. Then open to receiving and put out a floating preference to
receive what would serve your highest good from any appropriate source
that Spirit wants to supply you through.
8.
Identify anything you think you still owe to past partners. Un-cleared
debt holds you to the past. Ask for clarity on whether you really owe it
or is the thought of debt coming from a false sense of duty or guilt.
Example:
If you were the one that initiated the end of the relationship and were
faced with your ex-partner’s hurt as a result, you may feel guilty and
want to ‘buy’ your way out of the guilt.
Possible
solution: Ask to be shown what, if anything, is true for you to give if
all sense of false duty and/or guilt is lifted. In other words what
would your heart inspire you to give, if anything?
If
you do find that there is something for you to give, set your intention
to give it in a form and within a time frame that is appropriate.
Note:
Release any attachment to it being received and/or to you being
acknowledged for your attempts to give. If it is heartfelt, you are
giving because it feels true to give, not because you want to get
something back. Let the following of your own heart’s inspiration to
give be reward in itself.
9.
Identify anything you appreciate about a past partner that you have not
fully acknowledged. Sometimes in an unconscious attempt to control the
pain in a split up we will start to demonize the other in order to
convince ourselves that they were not worth having a relationship with
– so it is no great loss anyways. This is an attempt to pretend that
there is no loss or grief to be felt. Of course this tactic does not
take care of the grief it just temporarily buries it and you are left
carrying the weight of it.
In
turn this blocks your openness to a new relationship because if you get
close and then lose the new relationship the accumulated pain may be to
big to keep buried. So now to avoid unexpressed grief you have to avoid
relationships or keep them very shallow.
As
well to not acknowledge the things you appreciate about the person from
the past relationship would mean that you are sending a message to
yourself that you are stupid and incapable of picking a valuable
relationship. If you convince yourself that you were in a relationship
with a ‘loser’ then it follows that you must be a ‘loser’
yourself for picking such a person.
Another
reason you may demonize the other person is because you fear that if you
allow yourself to love and appreciate them, that somehow those feelings
will seduce you into being with them again even though it is no longer
appropriate.
Possible
solution: Ask for spirit to enhance and guide your discernment and for a
willingness to follow through on your discernment’s guidance. Because
you love and appreciate someone it does not automatically mean you are
meant to be with them. Ask if you have given yourself permission for the
following: I love you and appreciate you and I do not feel called to
spend time with you. This will free you to love and appreciate many more
people knowing that you do not have to spend time with them all. Instead
you can choose which ones to spend time with and how much time.
Exercise:
Give yourself full permission to list the things you appreciate about
the person you split with. You may want to send the list to them. If the
list brings up any feelings of loss or grief give the emotions ‘air
time’, do not suppress them. If you need support in this process go to
the appropriate friend, therapist or workshop.
10.
Bring in balance by identifying any of the ‘shadow’ side of the past
partner that you have not yet acknowledged. If you feel you have been
left by the other, you may fall into holding them as an ideal person
that you do not want to lose. You might unconsciously think that if you
hold them up as being wonderful that they might notice and it will
somehow win them back.
You
may have seen them as being better than yourself and so felt that you
were getting a good deal by convincing someone better than yourself to
be in relationship with you. But as long as you think someone is better
than yourself eventually it is likely that you will sabotage the
relationship because you have an underlying belief that you do not
deserve it. Sooner or later you will attempt to prove yourself right
about not being worthy. If not cleared you will carry the unworthiness
into future relationships and eventually sabotage them as well.
Exercise:
Give yourself full permission to list the things you did not like about
the person you split with. Give yourself permission to feel any feelings
this may bring up for you. If you need support in this process go to the
appropriate friend, therapist or workshop. It may not be appropriate to
share this list with the past relationship person.
11.
Watch for the temptation to de-value yourself in face of a breakup.
Perhaps the other person has given you a list of reasons as to why they
are leaving and in that list they may be making you out to be the
‘bad’ person. On the other hand they may not be complaining about
you but you might have the tendency to blame your perceived inadequacies
for the breakup.
Possible
solution: Identify the gifts that you brought to the relationship.
Identify your value as a person.
12.
Watch for the temptation to de-value the other person in face of a
breakup in an attempt to make it all their ‘fault’.
Possible
solution: Get as accountable as you can. Identify the shadow areas that
you brought to the relationship. Acknowledge your contribution to any
problems that arose.
The
more awareness you have about past relationship the more possibility
that you can adjust/ heal what no longer serves. Then future
relationships will live out their potential to be even more life
enhancing.
13.
Appreciate yourself and your past partners for all that you learned from
each other.
Include
what was learned but is still in the process of resolution. In other
words you can appreciate that the dynamics of the relationship alerted
you to problems even though some of the problems are yet to be fully
understood and resolved. Having a problem come to the surface so it can
be seen and explored is a step forward even though it may not feel like
it at the time.
You
may feel that the problems that come up in relationship are created by
the relationship yet in many cases the problems were already there, just
laying dormant. The relationship provides a forum for unhealed issues
from your past to arise. Your psyche wanting to free you from the
problem will help draw it to the surface to be addressed.
Knowing
that your relationships will never be problem free until all past wounds
have been healed can help you have more acceptance of the process of
relationship. Problems always hold the possibility for healing and
building inner strength.
Exercise:
Make a list of all the things you did not know coming into the
relationship but know now as a result of the experience. Include things
that were learned with ease as well as things learned as a result of a
struggle.
14.
Identify any of the ways, mentally, emotionally or physically that you
are holding on to past relationship.
Often
we hold on when we do not trust that if we fully open to receive, the
universe will provide us with something even better. As long as you hold
on to the fantasy of how you want things to be you are not open to
receive the value inherent in how things are in reality.
Exercise:
Ask spirit for support in releasing attachments. Ask for support in
feeling any grief that may naturally arise out of the act of letting go.
Releasing and feeling grief makes space for you to receive the new.
15.
Identify any competition (conscious or subconscious) that you might have
with your past partner or with their new partners (real or potential
future ones). Be deeply honest with yourself. This one can be tricky as
it can be somewhat embarrassing to admit that part of you could be
hoping for someone else’s failure.
Perhaps
a part of you does not want them to have a great new relationship unless
you have one first.
Your
competitive part may not want their new partner to be as capable as you
at giving to them in love, in sex, in nurturing, in class, in finances,
in intelligence, in humor, etc.
A
part of you may hope they fail at finding someone that is better suited
to them. Hoping that will teach them a lesson for not being with you.
Possible
solution: Unconditionally blessing your past partners and their new
partners in having the very best. This act in turn helps open your own
receptivity to having a new partnership that brings out the very best in
you and in the other.
Ask
spirit to help you let go of any scarcity beliefs. There is enough love
to nourish you fully and your ex-partners and their new partners as
well.
16.
Identify any places of shame or a sense of failure around the
relationship not working the way you wanted it to or the way you thought
it should.
Sometimes
you may get attached to the way you think a relationship should look
like, or what society tells you it should look like, or what your
parents, friends, relatives, co-workers, etc. tell you what it should
look like. If it does not live up to those images it can trigger you
into thinking you are bad or a failure.
Do
not try to hide from the feelings or attempt to bypass them by
pretending to rise above them. Do approach them with a loving attitude,
like you would a small child that feels they failed at something.
Possible
solution: Let the child in you feel and express the feelings even while
you ask spirit to show you, you are still loved. If this is difficult to
do with out getting lost in it, find an appropriate supportive friend,
therapist, or workshop to assist you.
Once
the feelings have been expressed (not before or the following can become
a tool of suppression) be reassured that even those things that look
like mistakes or failures are stepping stones in your learning process.
Experience helps to deepen your understanding. Be willing to give
gratitude for the experience and then invite lifeforce to show you the
next steps.
17.
Identify any mistakes you feel you have made during the past
relationship.
Possible
solution: Go through the following forgiveness process with any steps
you have identified:
Mistake
Own
the mistake with full accountability
Acknowledge
and process emotions
Forgive
the mistake
Apologize
to yourself and/or others that may have been affected
Make Restitution When Relevant
Re-Dedicate
To Loving Action Or Non-Action
18.
Identify any grievances you have against your past partner for not
living up to your perfect ideals of what a partner ‘should’ be like.
Identify
any grievances you have against yourself for not being what you see as
an ideal partner.
Identify
any grievances you have against Universal Source for not sending you a
partner that met your ideals, and for not giving you the skills to live
up to your own ideals.
Exercise:
Ask spirit’s help in your process of releasing held grievances. You
may come to see that once the grievances are released that you did not
get what you thought was ideal but you did get something that had the
potential for much growth and learning.
19.
Identify
any ways you went into sacrifice in an attempt to keep the relationship
in a form you desired.
Example:
You have a strong passion for riding motorcycles but ended up with a
partner that was afraid of motorcycles and did not want you to ride one.
Your partner would get angry anytime you considered riding your
motorcycle. In order to settle the anger you betrayed your passion and
sold your motorcycle.
It
is not uncommon for people to sell parts themselves out in an attempt to
maintain a relationship. But each place of sacrificing your true self
will take you further and further from an authentic relationship. Now
your partner is in relationship with parts of a false self, mixed in
with parts of you that are still authentic to who you truly are.
Possible
solution: Identify any of the places you betrayed yourself within the
relationship. Reclaim your true self. Be willing to dedicate to living
from authenticity.
20.
Identify any places that in the splitting up you collapsed and gave
yourself away. This could be on an emotional or mental level or it could
be something as seemingly simple as the ex-partner still having
something that belongs to you.
Possible
solution: Check in to your intuitive knowing to see if you need to do
anything different to look after yourself.
For
example: If you decided to leave your stereo with a past partner because
you did not want to go through the argument you thought would arise if
you went over to get it. Check in to see if you are truly satisfied with
that decision or whether you betrayed yourself when you made it. If you
discover a betrayal, part of you will remain tied up in the situation
until it is cleared in some way.
Exercise:
Ask to be shown what steps to take to clear this up. For example:
You might be guided to ask a friend to go over to get the stereo for
you. You might be guided to go over and pick it up yourself, facing
whatever interaction may come up between your ex-partner and yourself.
You might be guided to leave the stereo with the ex-partner with full
blessings for them to use it and with an openness for you to fully
release it.
The
process is for you to take whatever steps you are called to without
attachment to results. For example: The steps may lead you to doing
several things to attempt to retrieve it in order to feel
complete with the stereo situation. (Even though the steps may not
result in you getting the stereo.) You may find during the steps that
the stereo was stolen, or broken, or given away. Yet even without
getting it back you may still feel fulfilled in knowing you did the best
in looking after yourself.
Honoring
your own sense of what it takes to feel complete is important. Here is
an example not tied to a outside relationship but that affects
relationship with self: If I were to see someone break into my house and
steal my things but did not do anything about it, I might feel much
different than if when seeing someone break in I took the step to call
the police. Lets say that the police did not get there on time to stop
the robbery. The result of my things being stolen is the same in both
scenarios, but I may feel better in the second scenario because of
following through on the action of calling the police.
Doing
your present best in a situation can be crucial to your sense of
well-being. If we also happen to get the results you prefer (police get
there on time to stop the robbery) it becomes a bonus.
Note:
Notice it is worded your present best. That does not mean shaming
yourself for past situations where you did not do what you would do now
in this present moment knowing what you know now. It does mean that you
can review past situations and if you feel inspired and see something
that is still feasible to do, you can do now in this present moment
things that you did not choose to do back then.
21.
Identify anywhere your openhearted boundaries or your ex-partners are
not being respected.
Possible
solution: Honor your ex-partners openhearted boundaries. Make your
openhearted boundaries clear to your ex-partner. If they are unwilling
to respect them for you, make sure you respect them for yourself.
Example: You have a boundary that if you meet your ex-partner somewhere
‘on the street’, you are not willing to listen to them criticize
you. If you have an encounter and they start into criticism and wont
stop after you remind them, then you can end the conversation and leave
in order to honor your own boundary.
22.
Identify any prejudices that someone you want to confide in around the
ending of your relationship might have.
Possible
solution: Investigate the level of skill support people have at holding
and honoring loving intentions for both you and your ex-partner. If they
are taking sides against your ex-partner or yourself they are exposing
some of their own personal unhealed wounds around relationship. In that
case instead of being supported for true completion you will be getting
supported in maintaining enmeshment. If this is the case seek out a
different source to confide in.
23.
Identify any incompletes in the realm of material goods. They can keep
you enmeshed with your ex-partner. It is common for some people to spend
months to years in court fighting over material things. This is
typically a sign of deeper levels of enmeshment that have not been
cleared. Part of you may wish to be done with the material split but
another subconscious part can be using it to stay enmeshed because of
other unfinished business.
Possible
solution: If completion with material things is dragging out it is
likely a sign that some of the other completion matters on the list have
not been addressed. Even if an ex-couple has been at loggerheads over
material goods for an extended period with little sign of solution in
sight, it is not uncommon for the material goods issues to come
(seemingly magically) to completion with ease after the other issues
have been addressed.
24.
It is not unusual to be filled with confusion as a result of a
relationship ending.
Possible
solution: Rather than getting lost in intellectual circles of confusion
ask “What would love have me do in this situation?” Trust that your
heartfelt intuitive guidance can lead you to what loving action or
non-action would be most supportive to take every step of the way.
Sometimes intuition can take you past intellectual knowing so do not be
surprised to find yourself inspired to do things that do not yet make
logical sense.
25.
If there are children involved in the relationship identify any places
they may be getting used as leverage to maintain incompletion. Example:
One form of incompletion shows up as complaint and resentment towards
the ex-partner. One can pass on the complaints to the children as a way
to attack the ex-partner.
Possible
solution: Do not pass your hurts on to the children. Respect their
individual relationship with your ex-partner. Own your complaints and
resentments and be responsible for finding support and doing your own
anger work with healing intentions.
26.
If the relational completion you are working on is with an ex-husband or
ex-wife be careful about ignoring the paper work of divorce. Or of
telling yourself it does not really matter and that you will get around
to it someday.
Possible
solution: If you are clear that the marriage is over do the paper work
to make it official. Leaving it undone is a strong energetic symbol of
incompletion.
If
you find you are resistant to doing the paper work, go through this list
to see what still needs to be completed. Perhaps you have not finished
grieving, perhaps you are still in competition and want to block the
ex-partner from moving on, perhaps you are still holding to a fantasy
that one day your ex-partner will come to their senses and come back to
you.
27.
Identify if there is a feeling that the ending of the relationship
lacked respect.
Possible
solution: Create a ritual gathering to honor the ending of the
relationship. Create a ceremony whereby both people are honored and
appreciated for all the relationship gave to each person. Then give
blessings to each other’s future. It could be done privately but it
enhances its power if it is done in front of witnesses. You can invite
the people that were in support of the relationship to now come in
support of each of you as individuals. This can be especially important
for children of the ex-couple to attend. It teaches them that love can
remain intact even when a relationship is radically changing in form.
28.
Be aware of a temptation to prematurely jump into a replacement
relationship. It can slow down the process of completing with the last
one. It can cover over things that need to be faced and felt around what
unfolded in the last relationship. Jumping into a new relationship
prematurely is a set up for repeating unconscious relational patterns
over again.
Possible
solution: Consider giving yourself a break from relationship to find out
who you are outside of being ‘a person in a primary relationship’.
Take the time to review and complete with the last relationship. Explore
new strategies for being in relationship.
29.
When you do enter a new relationship watch out for the tendency to make
discussion of past relationships taboo. Some people think that the only
way to get approval from their present partner is to suppress any
thoughts or feelings about past relationships. This is a disadvantage to
both you and your new partner as any unfinished business from past
relationships will come up to haunt present ones.
On
the other hand obsessing about past relationships is not completing
unfinished business. Obsessing, rather than discussion for awareness and
completion, will be detrimental to your present relationship.
Possible
solution: Rather than suppressing or obsessing, approach all past
relational issues with willingness for healing and balancing to
transpire. This will benefit you and your present partner.
30.
Go through this list with a focus on mom and dad. Remember they were
your first experience of relationship. Typically the primary causes of
the majority of relationship issues will be activated by unhealed
baggage left over from parental issues. Completing with enmeshment to
Mom and Dad frees you for a more fulfilling relationship with yourself
and others.
Note:
Most of these exercises with a slight modification can be done in
relation to our present relationships with primary partners, family
members, friends, etc.. If these steps are done while in an ongoing
relationship it will bring more intimacy and reveal deeper truths. It
will help show you if you are meant to spend more, deeper, intimate time
within these relationships or it will show you if it is time for these
relationships to change form. Any possible changes will come with much
more expansion and love if these awarenesses are brought forward rather
than suppressed.
Okay
okay, you got me. Where are the other 20 ways? Not here, but how could I
miss out on the wonderful play of words in the title?
Of course they will only be meaningful to those of you old enough to remember Paul Simon’s pop song 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover.